Starving For Control – The Skinny On My Fight With Anorexia

The food hesitating on my fork clenched my empty stomach.  I willed myself to lift it up to my mouth, but bile scorched my throat.  I set my fork back down on the full plate, tears clogging my eyes as the chair scraped the floor and signaled my escape.  I was defeated.  Again.

I was 18 years old, 5′ 9″, and 125 pounds.

It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t gone through it.  I mean, it’s not that hard to just sit down and eat, right?  Just make yourself, I was told.  And I couldn’t explain it any better now than I could then, that I could not eat.

It wasn’t so much about starving myself, but rather starving for something to control.  In a crazy way, some validation that my will would not be broken.  Instead, my will was breaking me.  What I had started out controlling had overtaken me and now held complete mastery over me.

Some days it wasn’t so bad.  I could eat a little here and there.  But on the hard days, the stressful days, the days of conflict and tears, the only thing I could swallow was my own pain.

But God, who is so rich in mercy, because He loved me so much, did not let me stay that way.

God is a rescuing God.  Emmanuel literally means, “God with us”, and oh, how He is.  Entering this world of sin and suffering and diving headlong into all the messiness to save His beloved, to walk with us through the pain.

My story continues in the next post, but for now, can I leave you with a question?

What captivates you?

Is there any deep need in your life that you once held power over, but now rules the way you live?

Maybe it’s not an eating disorder, or an addiction, or maybe it is.  Maybe it’s affirmation, or needing to be right all the time, or keeping up appearances.  Maybe it’s none of those things, but maybe it’s something else.  Whatever it is, God wants you free.

You weren’t made to live like the pet of a cruel master, chained and choking on a collar of shame and misery.  There is freedom to be had.

Let’s grab hold of it in the only One who can give it:


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This entry was posted in Musings and tagged anorexia, gloryinthecross, , searchingformyeden, thecrosstrumpsall.

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